“Good afternoon everybody!
I’m Brian, I’m the best man, and I’d like to start my speech by giving Andrew a big congratulations… for actually managing to turn up today.
You see, Andrew is famous for never being where he’s meant to be!
He’s been that way ever since we went in school together.
I say “went to school together.” What I actually mean is that I went to school…
Andrew showed up whenever he could be bothered.
I’ve never known anyone better at throwing a sicky than Andrew. In one year alone he suffered from everything from from “Asthma” to “Zinc Deficiency”.
And yet somehow he still managed to be at the pub every night. This was especially impressive as he was only fifteen at the time…
And even more impressive as he looked approximately the same as he looks now… thirteen.
Even in his teens Andrew was a lady’s man. We’d go out clubbing, I’d go to the bar, and by the time I got back he’d have vanished… once again not where I expected him to be…
And I’d find him half an hour later making-out with the most beautiful girl in the whole club.
Of course I never pulled anybody… my pick-up technique was to stand by the wall looking sad…
It’s the same technique I used in school when people were picking sports teams….
and, thinking about it, it didn’t work so well then either.
As the years passed, and I become the more attractive one, Andrew’s priorities changed.
These day’s, you’re more likely to find him at home, playing Call of Duty, than out clubbing. But he’s still just as competitive, and his techniques are still just the same.
He plays Call of Duty the same way he plays life. By which i mean, he hides until you’re standing right next to him. Then jumps out and shoots you through the head….
Then he laughs for 2 or 3… hours, gasping for breath the whole time (there’s that “asthma” again… then plays some more and does exactly the same thing the next time.
It’s 15 years since we left school and his tactics are still exactly the same as they were in the night clubs. I.e., never be where people expects you to be.
I, for one, never expected to be at Andrew’s wedding… But I’m delighted to be here, and I’d like to thank Natalie’s parents for making this possible. I know I speak on behalf of both myself, the ushers and the bridesmaids when I thank Andrew and Natalie for letting us be a part of this special day.
In Natalie, Andrew has found his perfect foil. Someone just as smart as him, just as cunning, and a million-times better-looking. In the few years that they’ve been together Andrew’s become a happier, calmer person, whilst still having a smile so cheeky I’m constantly wondering what he’s plotting.
Natalie’s also just as good at Call of Duty. She even knows what barrel or wall he’s hiding behind. Every time.
If nothing else, Andrew and Natalie will have a very happy future together… Just so long as the xBox 360 doesn’t breakdown.
Andrew, you’ve been a brilliant friend, an annoying gaming buddy, and a bloody sung wingman. And so, as my present to you, I’ll let you spend a whole half an hour boasting about your perfect new wife tonight during the reception. Tomorrow, you can shut the hell up.
All that’s left is to give you some advice. So, Natalie, here it goes.
- Always have a thermometer in the house. Andrew’s too good at playing sick and I want you to be able to call his bluff.
- Never leave him unoccupied when you go to buy a round.
- And most importantly, just for me, please keep kicking his arse at xbox.
I wish you both many, many happy years together.
Ladies and Gentleman, please stand and join me in raising a toast…
To Andrew and Natalie. May they always be in each other’s hearts…
At least that way I’ll know where to find them.”
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